Fear

You hurt me.
I ran, to escape sadness, pain, betrayal.
You asked for a second chance- begged it'd be normal again.
The love I held for you, still hold,
Kept me tied, bound tightly.

I ran, but not too far. Not far enough?
You love me. You treat me right.
I pretend, but I can't forget.
I would never let a person treat me the way you did & stay.
Yet I have.
Because loving you chose for me.
Hope for forgiveness,
Pray for change.
Because I can see this is my lesson- and I needn't venture twice.

"Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me"?
Don't let me down.
Any scent, any trace..
Even a hint of selfishness, manipulation, dishonesty,
And your world will crumble
Because it will be mine that comes crashing down.

You can chase me, but I won't heed.
I'll find safety, lie in a den to lick my wounds.
Pull myself from the remains of your web,
Cradle my gentle, broken heart.
I'll take comfort and strength in preservation.
I'm a lesson learnt, knowledge gained.

I Love You- there, i've said it.
And I am scared to trust.
Don't hurt me.
Don't make me leave you.
Because after all this, you're still the one who feels right.
The one I sleep perfectly next to,
I would miss everything about you.
Cherish your love & touch; of your skin on mine.
You're my darling.
Yet you're my fear.

Skipping Stones

How I think of you-
Guilt coarses through my blood.

I feel drawn to your pure heart,
Only to feel I can't be true.

You touch my waist,
And inside I scrunch my face.

Sorrow, mixed with guilt,
Mixed with pain-
Love & heartache,
Walking together hand in hand.

To feel everything is alright,
I'll smile & pretend another day.

Wait for attraction to fade,
I'll keep my mouth shut, & this secret to myself.
I'll untangle these knots of thoughts in my head,
Tell myself I see you as friend.

Because I will sit here,
And i'll keep skipping stones.

Once Again (Journey of Africa)

Warmth of the soft, red earth,
Crisp in the Mother's beautiful breeze.
My soul at peace as I ponder,
At how I am finally here.

My sense crumble; overwhelming being,
My mind is weeping, heart is open yet again.
My soul in the heavens, feet on the ground,
Existence relaxing, resting & whole.

Looking around, my mind is a maze.
My head spins with memories from the past.
Everything looks different, yet the same.
Five years ago and five million.

Quick wind grazes my face,
It's no secret I've spent years here before,
Past, Present & Future.
Time that is none; existing in cycles & unison in a place so familiar yet forgotten.

Mother Nature speaks through her life,
Whispers her secrets, stories & knowledge.
I hear her & her beauty.
Life & words are paradoxical, & I stand here with her key.

Buried within my soul lie the secrets to me,
On the surface is the understanding in searching.
Knowledge that I have been lead, like a donkey to water,
My unconscious; It's time to go within.

I am not alone; always surrounded by energy to help.
I can answer any of my own questions or doubts.
My heart, mind, body, soul at one again with the land,
She places the key in my hand.

This country, being & feeling,
A new lesson starts once again.

My Body (Into Love)

You push me to the bed & the light catches,
Your eyes & they're blue, blue like the moonlight,
catching the pool water.
And you're there & I'm near but i'm nowhere right now.

In the way that you move i've figured out how to calculate love.
It's one, two, three divided by you & you've got a broken heart.
Because they call it fucking in a world I walk in,
But when you move & I see the ripples in your back I understand,
Making love is a terminology used only,
When you bite my neck like that.

And the temperament between the two of us is melancholy,
Although I think you know i'm at ease when you're tense.
When I first saw you my body ached to be with you naked,
For the mere sensuality of skin against skin,
Love proven to be so comfortable that nudity is how we live.

You run your fingers over my thigh,
A hand on the small of my back and I want to scream "I Love You".

And when we're together I just want to show you, that
You.
Are.
Allowed.
To Have.
ALL.
Of Me.

And when I give myself to you do you understand?
I'm not giving my body, my breasts, but my heart.
And I feel like, our souls connect.
And that's why I smile when you wrap your arms around me,
And hold me like your security blanket as a child.

I'm yours.
I'm your child,
And when we're in this bed,
Lust turns over and we make it,
Into Love.

Fairydust

I thought I'd changed,
But it's still here...
Still waiting,
Still the same.

I only wanted to run,
Away from the monster,
Away from me,
To reach what is missing.

I never seemed to understand
The dark let-down.
The sadness,
The monotonous drawling.

Walking around with a hole in my chest,
A missing part,
An empty trunk,
A gaping heart.

Life may be simple,
But it was never meant to be easy.
Plagued by termites of inadequacy,
Climbing stairways to heaven,
That reach higher and higher,
Somehow never-ending.

How I long for someone,
Just to hold my hand.
To lead the way, & point a magic wand,
To spread magic & fairydust, remove reality.

Green Mystery

I whisper;
My secrets, dreams and hopes put into a language that I cannot seem to understand.

Your hair;
Is soft & wispy, skims your cheek as you turn & smile at me.

Your strong, green eyes like emeralds- your stare penetrates right through me.
You're a source of mystery, excitment...

And you're wide-eyed like a child,
Electric with passion.

You giggle, & your contentment shows in your soft face.
Faint wrinkles crease near your lips.

The words you speak are the melody of a beautiful tune,
Are a key to what's beneath your mask.

My lips graze your ear as I speak to you,
My hand lays softly at your waist.

Your skin is milky & soft to touch,
You're thin & fragile, and full of wonder.

Your fingers play across my arm.
I feel you drum your fingers, and i feel my heart race in harmony.

You smell like a fine flower, or soft, crisp silk.
You're warm to touch & gentle to hold.

I'm infatuated with your grace,
And mesmerised by your mind.

You take my hand,
And you manage to take all of me.

You pull me close,
And I feel you pulling my heart.

It's out of my chest;
It lies in your pocket.

I'm smiling; I'm ecstatic-
Because i'm without fear.

I'm not afraid to be,
Because this time,
What we have here,
Is real.

Unnamed

You have no idea of the damage you have done,
Of the depth and severity of your actions.
The moment you stole my power,
& made me watch helplessly as you took what was mine.

I'm sure you're familiar with wondering if you'll ever be okay?
Because of you, this is who I am for yet another day.

You took my innocence & trust with the intent to destroy,
And you will never comprehend the ramifications that it had on me.
You will never know how what you've done,
Has affected me to the core.

It feels like years & the wounds still rub raw,
You still find a way to make me relive with you did to me.
You made sure that I knew that I could never escape.

The pain & anguish was unbearable,
& It was your strength, your oxygen.
My hopelessness & despair gave you life.
While I struggled drowning, I ended up losing touch with who I am.

With the broken pieces that I had left,
Having lost too much time already,
I fumbled to piece the shards back together,
& piece my life back together.

With the remnants of me laying splintered,
I had to reach inside, within what was left of me,
To the very bottom, to find the strength to escape you,

Sixteen months later & the pain is still raw,
& while I've seen the world,
& laid with women,
I see the world through different eyes.

I could spend eternity licking my wounds,
Because the scars you left me with still run deep,
Still stop me from living.
Like being held with barbed wire.

I can't feel normal because of you.
Too scared to let women close,
Now too damaged for meaningful intimacy,
I'm left wading this water in the dark.
Well, it's a good thing I know how to swim.

Because I've known you too long,
And I know you too well-
You would never wish the best for me,
Or hope that I'm okay,
Because you maliciously made me suffer.

And that is the best solice,
The difference between you & your family,
And me.
Because I will never harm a soul intentionally.
And my potential is my best revenge.

Pulled Away

I cling onto you tight,
Hold you with the firmest grip.

I scream, to not let go,
But it seems that what's pulling you,
Is stronger than you or me.

I'm helpless as I feel you being forced from my clutches,
Because even though I refuse to ease my grip,
It is not enough anymore,
Just to keep you here.
Here in life,
Here with us.

Daddy I Love You

Daddy, I love you,
And i already miss you.
I never want you to go.

You sit with me,
& I count the days, hours, minutes, seconds that we have left.
Because it's time running too quickly.
Like sand slipping through the hourglass,
Measuring the life and existence that we have left.

And you're still with me,
My mind grasps you & holds you firmly.
Plagued with fear of letting you go,
If even for a second.

Struggling to come to terms,
With what the future holds.
As i ache to let you go,
To a life without you.

I cannot fathom my wedding,
Without you by my side.
Or the birth of my child,
Without your loving arms to hold her.

Though I greatly feel it was meant to be this way.
It was imprinted in the stars,
Written as fate and destiny.

But I cannot do this; I am not okay,
With any idea of letting you go.
You are my cherished one, my protector,
It's you that makes me feel safe in this world-
Secure & home.

Unbearable

I lie awake,
Just listening to the rain.
I mourn with nature,
as she expresses my pain.

I stare out the window,
Looking up at the stars.
Seeing all my dreams,
& being where you are.

How much noise,
Can this pain make?
While i writhe on the ground,
Trying to smother this ache